Saturday, December 17, 2016

A Thousand drops of tears

Why me? I still can't believe that I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. How come? I'm still young and healthy, I have exercise everyday, I don't eat beef for three years, which most people say it causes cancer, I'm a vegetarian once a week, I cook what I eat and I know what it is. I'm not a smoker even I love to drink but just a glass or two per day. It hurts! Specially when I look into the eyes of my young daughter and lovely husband who, full of dreams. Our life is worry free and slow pace; we lived in the nature, we breath the freshest air we can, the only worry I had was how to manage our budget to prolong our sailing trip. Worries that are, probably, smaller than some people who face bills or stress in their jobs. 

My sailing life is over! I keep telling myself when I realize that I'm sick. No more sun, no more wind, no more water and no more sailboat... no one can know my sorrow. The first year of sailing I was struggling to adjust my life from land, which was hard enough for me and I almost divorced my husband. In the first year people look at us like...oh no, you are so crazy leaving a good life behind. The second year I was much better. I swing in the same rhythm as the boat swings, I woke up with sunrise and went to bed after the sunset. But the biggest problem was our savings finishing as we have no official support since the beginning. Never mind, we managed it, well enough that made my life in the third year react well with the reality. The following year we lived with less money, less cloths, less gadgets and I found myself happier. Living thou all this years spending full time on our floating home and raising our child together is something precious. The stage of my mind is adapting to the boat life little by little since I left my luxury life behind. Now I have nothing!

We even consider selling “Dee” because with time we don't know how long we need to cure my sickness. However, it's not easy but we manage to save “Dee” to keep me alive. What about my beauty? It's the power of woman! I am lucky though to have a good husband who tell me everyday that I'm beautiful from inside and outside even in the worst days of my sickness.

I still dream that soon I will be back on the water to let my body soak in the sea water and let the wind hit my face. I know, that I have to be strong, and I need to strengthen my mind because it's a weapon to kill my sickness. But crying doesn't mean that I'm weak. I never think that I'm sick... I still cannot believe it. Everyone has a dream but I have no dream. I never dream to do something. Now I just want to be the same me, the only wish and the faith I have. The same person that jump off the boat and let the water pull me down with fear which I was enjoying doing so.


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